Out Of The Woods/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW Now, every time we travel, my wife spends the whole plane trip worried either that we're going to crash or that they're going to lose our luggage. I tell her, hey, if we crash it doesn't matter if they lose our luggage. That doesn't satisfy her, so I've had to come up with a better solution to the luggage problem... Don't take any. [ sea gulls crying ] as good as they are at it, even the airlines can't lose luggage that you don't have. Instead, get yourself a gigundo shirt, about ten sizes too big for you, if there is such a thing, and if there isn't, you might want to reconsider the whole idea of air travel. Then get some plastic bags, attach them to the outside of your pants, and start packing. All right, better than carry on; see, it's wear-on. I've got everything with me. [ laughter and applause ] intercom: -- 054 flight to miami now boarding at gate four. [ cheering and applause ] thank you very much. All right. Thank you very much. Appreciate it. Got a bit of a problem up at the lodge this week. There's some kind of a creature roaming around the woods at night, moaning and wailing. Even on days when the bars are closed. Hasn't really attacked anybody, but we're gonna catch it and move it away to somewhere where it won't get into any trouble. Kind of like what my parents did when they brought me up here. Okay, red, we've got the hole dug. We're all ready for the trap. All right. How's this thing work exactly? Don't touch it, red! No, no, no. I'm not touching it. It's very sensitive. This is a humane large animal trap. Yeah. Yeah. In the ground. You bury the box yeah. You prop the lid up. Oh, I see. Hang the bait. And then you and then you're all set. Ah-h-h! Red, I thought I told you to stay away from the trap! I made myself very clear. Yeah, I, uh -- I -- I didn't touch it. Red, lying is never the answer. Oh, sure it is. Grab the end there, and we'll get it out to the woods all right. Before it gets dark. ( grunting ) you know, ed -- uh, ed! This contraption would be a lot lighter if you took the bait bag out of it. Right! Okay, good. Don't touch it! Don't touch it! It's very sensitive! All right. All right. Okay, here we go. What's in that bait bag, anyway? Yeah? Oh, sweet stuff. Yeah, candies, chocolates, honey, peanut butter. I figure we're dealing with a bear! And, uh, they usually have a sweet tooth. Ah, ah, ah. Stay back, red, while I close the lid on the trap. Ah-h-h! [ laughter and applause ] if you love something, set it free. If it comes back, call rothschild's sewage and septic sucking services. It's time to play the possum lodge word game. [ cheering and applause ] today's prize is from billy bob's big and tall men's shop, the biggest pair of pants in the store. You can either wear them or use them as a tent with pockets. Red, you have 30 seconds to get mike to say this word... Yeah, all right, ed. Okay. And go! Okay, mike, carrying a rabbit's foot means you're probably... A pretty good shot? Okay, okay, okay. You throw money into a fountain because it's... Evidence. Okay, okay. When you were born, your dad came to the hospital. He saw you were kind of cute and cuddly, and he felt very... Trapped. No. All right, then. All right, then. Your mom, okay. Your mom when she saw you, she realised she was really... Bad at math. [ laughter ] [ laughter and applause ] ed: Almost outta time, red. Yeah, all right, mike. Okay, mike, what do you call the richest guy in the world? A mark. People are always hitting on you, right. I mean, the guy with nothing is the lucky one. Red: There we go! [ cheering and applause ] over the years, the success of a lot of companies can be measured by the effectiveness of their advertising slogan. Now, even though a lot of these old slogans are from the past, they still apply today. And more importantly, they can apply to rothschild's sewage and septic sucking services. Remember old slogans like, "the quicker picker upper," or "that was some spicy meatball"? Or how about this one... "where's the beef?" I know the answer to that. So help us pick a slogan, and you'll receive a year's free sucking for you and a loved one. Rothschild's sewage and septic sucking services, we're number two. [ laughter and applause ] [ brakes squeaking ] you know, everybody in the whole possum lake area really loves a parade. We used to have them every month, and then the one-man band got married and his wife won't let him wear the cymbals on his knees any more. So this week on handyman corner, I'm gonna show you how to turn this car into one of those calliopes; you know, a parade float pipe organ. You know, an all-in-one mobile party music machine. Okay, the first thing I gotta do is sort through this pile of pipes and find ones that make the right note. [ tuba-like sound ] all right, that's a "b." oh. Better make that a b-flat. [ tuba-like sound ] yeah. Luckily I got a good ear. I only had to test 25 pipes to get my eight-note scale. But don't worry, I didn't inhale. Now, we can't just have these pipes coming out of the hood any old way. It's not enough to sound good; you have to also look good. Doe, ray, me. Okay, now, I've got these pipes hooked up as exhaust headers on each of my eight cylinders, so when that spark plug fires it sounds like that note. All I gotta do now is open the hood and hook up the distributor cap to this little keyboard here. Oh. You know, I'm just as glad that I had that little setback with the hood there because it gave me the idea to put the manual choke on this thing, which I can use as kind of a tremolo control. If I affect the amount of gas going to the engine, I can make the pitch and tone go up and down on the various notes, which I've connected, by the way, to my keyboard. All the spark plug wires come in here, so when I press on middle "c," it only sends a spark to that cylinder. Okay, now all I gotta do is add my rhythm section. I call 'em hubcap maracas. It's a rolling stones road tour. [ out of tune pipes moaning ] now, that's what I call a tune-up. Remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. [ sound of badly tuned horns blasting ] [ applause ] this is one of those moments I don't enjoy, but it's gotta be done. If you're about my age and attitude, you may have a habit that borders on addiction. You may in fact be a junk junkie. I'm talking about all that crap you've collected over all those years that you think you may get around to using some day. You know the drums and rotors from when you did your very own brake job on your first car? Those pieces of broken fence that are a direct result of that brake job? That pile of old windows you've got down in the cellar that no longer fit any orifice in your world? It's time to face the awful truth. If you haven't been able to put your car in the garage since 1987, that's not good. If you have more than 75 jars of liquid that you can't identify, you may have a problem. If you can't use your bathtub because it's full of beer bottle caps and broken toasters, well, you may be just one box of left shoes away from living alone with 40 or 50 cats. Now, I know what you're thinking... "I'm not a nutbar, I'm just frugal." but at our age we're running outta time to use all that junk. And after you're gone the last thing you want is a bunch of relatives rummaging through your estate, deciding who gets the hubcaps. So I'm telling you, my friend, you gotta get rid of that junk right now. Do it today. But wait 'til I get there. There might be something I could use. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. Hi, winston rothschild here of rothschild's sewage and septic sucking services. If you take a deep breath and wilt like a flower, if you need a new air freshener hour after hour, if your front lawn is short and your back lawn is tall, I think it's time to give me a call. [ applause ] well, we managed to catch whatever it was we were dealing with out there. Just stay back! You have no reason to be alarmed. You're not in any danger! Yeah, all right, ed. We're all pretty calm, comparatively speaking, you know. Hey, I'm the professional here, red. Fine. Well, let's open up the trap and see what we got in there. Come on. Sure -- yeah, good idea. Do you wanna do that now? Yeah, that's what I was thinking. I was thinking of waiting 'til later. Oh, no, I think we should open her up right now. Okay, sure, we can -- we can do that. Did you wanna do that or shall I? You told me you were the professional, so you go ahead and do it. But I tell you what, I'll pinch hit if you strike out. Ah! Ah! Ah! What's it -- ah-h-h! ( screaming ) [ laughter and applause ] dalton, what are you doing here? I was hoping you could tell me. Have you been living in the woods for the last few days? Well, yeah, I've been having a little trouble at home. You know, I thought maybe if I could get away on my own for a few days, maybe clear my head out. You got any more of that chocolate? You having marital problems, dalton? Yeah. Those ones with the soft caramel centres were just fabulous. Are you and anne marie splitting up? I-I-I don't know, red. I'm just confused. I don't know what to do. And I got a toothache. Well, do you still have feelings for anne marie? Yes, yes, I do. Or did you mean positive feelings? Come on, now, dalton. Quit kidding around here. Do you still care about her? Yeah. Probably. Then you should just go home and tell her that right now. You know, I think I could if you come with me, because if I go home by myself I'm gonna look like an idiot. Well, I don't want you looking like an idiot. There's only one song that applies to rothschild's sewage and septic sucking services... ♪ na na na na na na na na ♪ ♪ hey, hey, hey, good-bye ♪ oh, hi, folks. Well, this is the part of the show everybody looks forward to. You know, all the other guys that do stuff on the show are pretty darned jealous of me and my cartoons. Why? Because they have to live in a world of reality. Not me. No way, no how, no, sir. No reality for me. ( crying ) sorry. Anyway, today's cartoon is about signs in the forest. And as usual, I've done everything on the production. Oh, except for international distribution. I didn't do that. Oh, and I didn't go to the wrap party. But other than that, it's all me. And, as usual, for creative inspiration I've drawn from some of my experiences as a forest ranger, actually, all of my experiences as a forest ranger. Except for that one summer when I ate those mushrooms. Oh, mercy. Oh, anyway, I hope you enjoy it. I hope you learn from it. And I hope women see it and go berserk and come up to my tower and we can fool around. Ha ha! Oh, but don't come at night. I don't have any lights, and you can't play checkers at night. Anyway, here we go. [ ♪♪ ] [ ♪ ] well, here we are. I guess you're wondering why I brought you two to this deep, dark and dangerous neck of the woods. Yeah, where are we, ranger gord? I have no idea. Gord, are you saying you got us lost? For our own good, red. This way we can practice our survival instincts. Well, I'm glad I brought my compass. Oh, those things are just superstitious mumbo-jumbo. You don't actually believe the world is a big magnet, do you? If you find yourself lost in the woods, the best course of action is to ask the spirits of the forest for guidance. Um, how do you do that? ( yelling ) spirits! [ gord's echo continues ] we're in the middle of nowhere, gord. Yelling your head off is not going to help. The spirits have given us a sign, harold. Uh, this sign doesn't really help us at all, ranger gord. It just tells us we're standing in amongst many trees. Harold, are you mocking the spirits of the forest? Uh, oh, no. No way. No, I'm doing that, not at all, no. Let's hope not because they're big on punishment. Oh, you two are no help at all. Yeah, hello, spirits? Yeah, this is ranger gord. Yeah, yeah, that was me earlier. Look, thanks for the sign, but I'll be needing a direct route out of here. Fantastic. Forest spirits can be awfully generous sometimes, folks, but don't always expect the red carpet treatment, though. Those two certainly didn't. ( laughing ) [ applause ] [ cheering and applause ] you ever notice how on those space programmes how they have those neat doors on the rocket ships that open when they see you coming? Wouldn't it be great to have a pair of spiffy doors like that on your house? People tell me it can't be done, but "can't" is a word I don't use. Although I certainly hear it often enough from my wife and other local authorities. Okay, first thing you wanna do is get yourself a couple of motion detectors, one for the outside, one for the inside. I got these babies second hand form the post office. And with the amount of motion going on down there, I figure these are as good as new. Now, all's I did is I hooked up the motion detectors to these windshield wiper motors. I know, windshield wiper motors are supposed to be 12 volt, but I find household current just makes 'em go that must faster. Now, watch what happens as I approach the doorway. All I have to do now is add the doors. I went with shower curtains. They're lightweight, they're weatherproof, and around the lodge they really won't be missed all that much. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to report to the bridge. [ cheering and applause ] you sure told a lot of people about your wife's snoring. Yeah, your, uh, choice of colourful imagery sure gets the laughs. A rubber elephant coming down a waterslide. [ laughter ] but, hey, you've listened to her complain about your snoring for years. Mind you, your wife didn't do it at a wedding, like you did. As part of your toast to the groom. At the head table, over the public address system. Yeah, that was a work of real courage. And now you don't know whether your wife is snoring or not because you're shivering yourself to sleep in the back seat of your car. You need some warmth and companionship. But don't you even think about apologizing. You can't even begin to afford the cost of the flowers it's gonna take to put this right. So wait 'til the morning, ring the doorbell, and try and look ashamed. And don't mention how quiet it was in the car. Yeah, just keep your head low under the radar, wait 'til the storm passes, and you'll be back in your own bed before you know it. And then do what all snoring couples do... Pick a key and harmonize. And don't thank us. That's what friends are for. [ applause ] well, I took dalton home. He went inside and sat down in the living room and talked to anne marie. Things seemed to be going pretty well. Anne marie invited me to stay for dinner, but then dalton gave me one of these... Which I figured it meant she was a lousy cook. So I left. But he's gonna drop by the lodge later and tell me how it went. Yeah. Oh, red. I just got a call from dalton. He says that he's not coming down to the lodge meeting tonight. Did he say anything about anne marie? Why would she be coming down to the lodge meeting? I mean did he say anything about how they're getting along? Oh, no, no. Just that he and anne marie were going out together for dinner and a movie and that he'd be sleeping in his own house tonight. Oh, well, sounds like he's losing the fight, huh? Well, he seemed pretty happy. Of course, that could have been just a sugar buzz from all that candy. Yeah, well, as long as he's happy, that's the main thing. Sometimes the best way to make a marriage work is to lose once in a while. You ever think about getting married, ed? Uh, yeah. I'm waiting until I understand women. Yeah, I was afraid I wouldn't live that long. [ possum squealing ] oh, there's the meeting, red. Yeah, you go ahead. I'll be right down. Yeah, okay. Okay. So if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting, and you know, I think I may be guilty of some of the same things that dalton is, so if you need me to spend more time with you, you just say the word. I mean, I'd give up everything for you. You know that. My bad habits, my friends, my whole life here at the lodge, I'd give that up in a flash. You know if it was absolutely necessary. Of course, you know after that I'd be lost and miserable and probably want to kill myself. It's your call, honey. And to the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ cheering and applause ] okay, everybody. Sit down, everybody. Sit down. Sit down. Everybody sit down. Sit down, please. Sit down, now. Sit down. All rise. Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. All right, men, bow your heads for the man's prayer. All: I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess. Red: Okay, men, I have some good news for you. Dalton and anne marie have kind of reconciled. They're going back to being a married couple. ( clapping twice ) so I'd like to have two minutes of silence for dalton here, because he sure as heck isn't gonna get it at home. Closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com